


The Curse of the Egg Salad Sandwich

by Dokuhan



Category: SixTONES (Band)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Gross, Humor, Injury, Stupidity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:34:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28504563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dokuhan/pseuds/Dokuhan
Summary: Jesse gets stuck in the toilet and everything is terrible.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 26
Collections: 100FandomHell





	The Curse of the Egg Salad Sandwich

Every once in a while, some god, the universe, or whatever higher being there might be will pick a day, select a few people, and then decide to mercilessly fuck with them. It isn’t always malicious or catastrophic, sometimes it’s just mildly inconvenient or irritating. That’s just natural chaos.

It’s Jesse’s theory and he’s sticking to it. There weren’t any other viable explanations, so he had to accept one for his own sanity.

And it all started because of an egg salad sandwich.

He hadn’t been running late that morning, but he was still on a time crunch just for the general busyness of the week. His schedule was packed and in the short period of time he was home, he had just grabbed the first thing his hand touched in the fridge. He didn’t have any recollection of buying it, but he didn’t dwell on that fact. It tasted fine anyway, so there shouldn’t have been a problem.

Until it was.

His impromptu lunch hit his stomach the second they finished filming a new dance video. It came down on his stomach like a ton of bricks and he sprinted to the bathroom, making it just in time. On the plus side, he felt better instantly.

After spending a few more minutes futzing around on his phone and cleaning up, Jesse figured it was finally time to come out and face the music. Hopefully the others wouldn’t tease him too much. He moved to open the door, only to realize the lock was jammed firmly in place. He tried to jostle it out, but it wouldn’t move even the slightest amount. He was stuck.

“Oh no…”

This was a hundred times more humiliating.

* * *

When Juri’s phone started to vibrate against the floor, where he was stretching, his first instinct had been to ignore it. He only looked when it started going off a second time and he noticed Jesse’s name flashing across the screen. He picked it up, “Hey, you good? You almost ripped the door off the hinges running out of here.”

“Uh, yeah…I guess. Maybe. Sort of. Not really,” Jesse’s voice echoed over the phone, indicating he was probably still in the bathroom. “I kind of need help.”

“Is it an emergency? Like, do I need to get you to a hospital?”

“Not that kind of emergency.”

“…do you need me to pick up underwear, because I know we’re friends, but—”

“No! Not that kind of emergency either!” Jesse groaned and Juri heard a thumping noise. “Promise me you won’t laugh or tell the others. I’m begging you. Just come and help me out.”

Juri didn’t feel apt to make that promise, but he did so anyway. Nevertheless, he broke it when Jesse explained his situation, bursting into raucous laughter. He waved over at the others and taunted, “What was that, Jesse? You locked yourself in the bathroom stall? And you need help?”

“Juri!” Jesse yelled through the phone, “You dick!”

Hokuto snickered, covering his mouth. “Did he really lock himself in the bathroom? Oh my god, someone grab a camera. Please.”

“No! Don’t bring Hokuto with you.”

Juri laughed harder, wiping tears away from his eyes. “See you in a little bit! Your five knights in shining armor are coming to the rescue.” He hung up the phone as Jesse continued to yell, running up to grab one of the cameras from a tripod. “If we’re not allowed to post this on YouTube, I’m gonna riot.”

Yugo took the camera from him, turning it on. “Something could always ‘leak’ or an intern could ‘upload the wrong video.’”

The five of them shuffled out of the room, making their way down the hallway while offering colorful commentary about how Jesse was stuck in the bathroom and they needed to rescue him. There would probably be some hurt feelings about it at first, but content was content and the fans enjoyed their antics. Most of it was Jesse’s own fault anyway and he played the part of a clown well.

Shintaro opened the door with a flourish, trilling his voice. “Jesse-kun! We’ve come to rescue you!”

“I hate all of you…” Jesse groaned from behind the bathroom stall.

Of course, that just prompted another round of laughter between the five of them.

When that finally stopped, Hokuto managed to pull himself together and ask, “How did you manage to get yourself stuck in the _one_ stall we were told not to use?”

“What? When?”

“You don’t remember? It only happened an hour ago…”

* * *

When the six of them had arrived at the studio that afternoon, they were surprised to find Igari already using the practice room. He skidded to a stop once he noticed them, quickly apologizing.

“Sorry! I didn’t know this room was booked today. I thought I could work on some new choreography.” He rolled over to the side, pulling his skates off.

“Don’t worry about it,” Yugo waved him off. “We’re early anyway and need to set things up. Did you manage to get some things done?”

“Not really, but this whole morning has been kind of weird.” Igari sat down on the floor tying his sneakers, “Before I forget to tell you, don’t use the last stall in the bathroom. Something’s up with the lock and the door’s all janky. I told someone from maintenance, but I don’t know if they’re going to do anything about it.”

“Oh, no problem. We’ll make sure to avoid it.”

Meanwhile Jesse was entirely focused on playing Cookie Clicker on his phone.

* * *

“Oh…”

Juri rolled his eyes. “Okay, okay. We’ve had enough fun. Let’s release the idiot from his stinky prison.”

“It’s not _that_ stinky in here. I flushed three times.”

He ignored that and walked over to the door. There was always a chance that enough force could jimmy the door open or at least get the lock moved back into its proper position. Unfortunately, try as he might, the door just wouldn’t budge. “Well, I’m out of ideas.”

Taiga placed a hand on his shoulder, shaking his head. “Juri, we both know the simple solutions don’t work. That’s just the way the world goes.” He pointed up, indicating the space between the ceiling and the top of the stall. “You have to think creatively!” With that, Taiga walked into the other stall kicking off his shoes.

“There’s no way you can fit in that small of a space…” Hokuto argued.

“Are you implying I’m fat?”

“No, I’m _telling_ you that you’re not going to fit.”

“I don’t need to fit! I’m going pull Jesse through.” Taiga propped his foot up on the seat and pushed himself up.

“If you’re not going to fit, than he’s _definitely_ not going to! You’re both going to get stuck.”

“Well let’s see you come up with another solution the-oh! Ew! The seat is wet!” The sudden outburst caused Taiga to flail and slip, right foot splashing completely into the toilet water. He gagged and scowled, completely defeated. “Gross…”

“I told you it wasn’t going to work.”

“I’m hearing a lot of complaining and no problem solving,” Taiga tried to pull his foot out of the toilet, face dropping as he realized it was completely stuck. “Uh…oops.”

“‘Oops’?” Jesse repeated, voice echoing in the stall. “Why ‘oops’?”

Juri brought his hands up to his face and sighed deeply, “Nothing, we just have a new problem to deal with now too.” He dropped them and looked over at Hokuto and Shintaro. “Okay, do we have a Plan D?”

Shintaro scrunched his face, before looking up at the ceiling. “These are drop ceilings, right?”

“I guess? I’m not really sure.”

“Well then, what if we still go up – I do it through the ceiling.” He pointed upwards. “I’ll move a panel out of the way, crawl over to where Jesse is, lift that panel, and then pull him through that way. There should be enough room.”

“That actually sounds dumb enough to work.”

“Excuse me?” Taiga yelled from the second stall, looking incredulous. “How is that _any_ better than my plan? We’re not in some action movie!”

“Quiet, toilet boy.”

“Wouldn’t _I_ be toilet boy?” Jesse piped up.

“You be quiet too.”

Hokuto cut in, now clearly annoyed by everything that was happening instead of having fun with it. “Let’s just get it over with. The panels probably don’t move anyway.”

“Great! Juri, come help Hokuto pick me up.”

As requested, Juri and Hokuto stood on either side of Shintaro. They squatted down, hooking their arms around his legs and pushing up. Of course, in another series of unfortunate events, one or both of them used too much force in doing so. Shintaro’s head went right through the material of the drop ceiling with a large **_crack_** , leaving his head, shoulders, and extended arms trapped out of sight.

He didn’t move at first. Juri and Hokuto let go and backed away. When he still didn’t move, Juri became convinced that they had killed their friend. Before he could contemplate spending the rest of his life in jail, Shintaro finally reacted with a blood curdling scream and kicking his legs wildly.

Hokuto tried to grab his legs, maybe to pull him down or at least get him to stop flailing. The next few seconds seemed to happen in slow motion as Hokuto leaned forward just as Shintaro’s leg extended. His foot hit directly into Hokuto’s temple, knocking Hokuto back and onto the floor, where he was laid out cold.

Juri looked at the situation in front of him. Taiga looked back at him, with a mix of sympathy and panic. Shintaro continued to flail. Hokuto, well, he couldn’t do much, but Juri was sure he would wake up incredibly pissed off. The only one left was…

“What the heck happened?!” Yugo’s voice cut in. He was standing in the doorway of the bathroom with one of the building’s maintenance men behind him.

“When did you—”

“It was the first thing I did!”

* * *

Yugo was the first to stop laughing, stifling the rest of his giggles as he put the camera down on the sink. “Okay, I’m going to go get help,” he called out to the others. “I’ll be back as fast as I can!”

Naturally, nobody paid attention to him.

* * *

“You need to make yourself more obvious!” Juri accused, although he would readily admit in his own mind that it was his own fault.

“What’s more obvious than going to get help! How did it get this bad?”

“Oh, hey,” Jesse shouted from the toilet. “I think I figured it out!” And with the worst comedic timing ever, the door to the stall swung open, hitting the wall as it did so.

Juri looked around the bathroom again. He pulled his hat over his eyes and sat down on the floor. He was going to do whatever he could to make sure this video _didn’t_ make it onto their channel.

**Author's Note:**

> I thought I hung up my Real Person Fic gloves with American Idol, but here we are. I noticed a lack of crack in this fandom and I have come to remedy the situation. Because these six are so stupid, how can I not. I love it. 
> 
> This is entry number five for my [100 Fandom Hell Challenge.](https://100fandomhell.dreamwidth.org/profile) Still welcoming people to join me too.


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